One giant step forward, three steps back... (v_v)

     *Sighs* I did say that this was going to be a learning experience, I just didn't realize how naive I was about the smallest of things. Water intake? Check. Stretching? Check. Knowing the difference between wishing to give your all and realizing you need to take a break? No not so much. To be honest, I don't even feel up to writing about this but I must. By doing so, hopefully this will get logged away in my mental Rolodex somewhere. I need to remember exactly how I feel in this moment so that I am not so careless in the future. Also, I wish to warn you that what I am about to share may make some of you uncomfortable. Feel free to skip ahead to the next paragraph if you'd like. I won't mind. (>_<)
     It all started where else but at the gym. I was going my hardest like I normally would when I noticed a stinging sensation on my inner right thigh. After class I sat in my car for a bit before proceeding to drive home. When I was ready to enter my home however, OUCH!!!!!!!! It felt like I had gotten a paper cut! Fast forward to the shower. I'll save you the graphic details but have you ever had to feel for something you can't see? Well this happens to me often on account that I am an obese individual and can't normally just look down. Having folds of excess fat definitely makes things harder. Allow me to touch on this briefly. For example, I remember being in yoga when we were transitioning from standing to sitting poses and my rolls (I hate saying that) made a slapping noise that resembled a fart. (Sorry to be so crass) For me it was simply easier for me to say "excuse me" than to stop the class and proceed to educate everyone on what had really happened. Can you imagine?!?! "No I did not break wind, my folds just expel air sometimes because I am a fatty!" (Laughs at how I pull out a dry erase board with a diagram on it in my mind). (>_<) Okay, enough of that, back to the story at hand. Well, I am going to assume that at this point it was just mild chafing. (Stupid new underwear) So what does this genius do? She goes to sleep, wakes up still limping mind you, and then proceeds to go to the gym! See, in my mind my thought was "Athletes compete injured all the time. They wouldn't allow a little chafing to stop them from competing." So I do this for three more days until you guessed it ladies and gentlemen, that is if all the gentlemen didn't just skip ahead to my closing statement, it became infected. Yeah, I know, I know. (Insert scolding comments here) Then to top it all off, I caught a cold which triggered one of the worse toothaches of my life!!!!!! You know because having menstrual cramps added to this scenario wasn't nearly thrilling enough. Can you recall how people in action movies are portrayed? That tremble they all have when they are desperately looking for the solution to their problems? Well that was me for about a solid week after the chafing incident. Even now I would say that I am overall only around 80-95% better. So what I am doing in conjunction with taking meds around the clock? Detoxing yay! Can you tell how excited I am? UGH! I just figured it would kinda help move things along. I have a few samples of Flor Essence by Flora. You can try looking for this at your local natural/health foods store. The company suggests mixing three ounces with one ounce of hot water. The solution is a dark brown liquid that tastes like stale water but it works so that's all that really matters.

     I know you are wondering why did I allow this to happen? Why could I not allow myself a few days to heal instead of losing over half a month? The reason for me was simple. I was afraid. I still am to some extent. Previous attempts at losing weight failed as a result of not over eating but of getting sick and  feeling too lethargic to get back into it. This has ALWAYS been my downfall. This literally was the trigger to me gaining all my weight back plus more. I felt so accomplished up until this point. I just can't help but think about what if I had been able correct this the first time around right after high school? There it is again. That shame. That embarrassment...  Depression... *Snaps out of it* NO!!!! This won't be like last time! (I am actually talking to myself at this point) Do you know how I am so sure?  Ever since having to take my leave of absence from the gym, that is all I can think about! I find myself talking to my husband about which classes I should start back with so that I can ease back in my routine. I miss it SO MUCH!  Also, this may come off as a bit cheesy but I really do miss seeing everyone.  Remember the days when you were in kindergarten and all you wanted to do was go to school to see your friends? That's how I feel! Plus, I miss laughing at my "teachers"! (Just kidding, sort of (^_^)). I'm tired of being at home and seeing these same walls day in and day out. It reminds me too much of how my life was before I decided to take it back. Around me is that familiar feeling of hopelessness that amplifies the numerous times I have FAILED. Also making a guest appearance is its old running mate negativity who is attempting to convince me that surgery is my only option. That's it! That settles it. I have no choice! I am going back to the gym. I'll just make sure that I am healthy first. (^_^) Until next time.

-SKBarnes